TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it would feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury housing calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town Traditionally known for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be huge. Tremendous!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom call, streamed through the putting inexperienced inside of Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have had gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A few of the most effective. But now, we are building them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and fully away from area. Created by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A a few-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour till the drone flies")




  • And a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable h2o. But Indeed, sure, let's have One more area where American Gentlemen can dress in robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace try due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While former negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is easier: offer you Anyone a collection to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by documents released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is gentle electricity," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock wants fewer diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms set up in Just about every device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a very war zone. It truly is that he should stop employing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked about the undertaking, replied, "You understand, person, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Superior men and women. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory on the Levant."



Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping forms a large Trump head obvious from Place, a feature currently being marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and also the chin is… very well, categorised.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits after finding the developing's gold plating reflected a lot sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.


"It really is not merely unsightly. It's a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Confusing Features


Probably the strangest component of your tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium where guests may perhaps ponder vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with local weather control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Local Syrians are Uncertain what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Tactic: "For those who Bomb It, They'll Occur"


The ad marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxury is Permanently."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% said "where by's the closest elevator on the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is now attracting awareness from Worldwide traders, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll acquire three penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial level will even involve:




  • A Dollar Store of Geopolitical Alliances



    • Trump Tower Damascus

  • A Theme Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place According to the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait to find out a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge where by my PTSD might have transform-down company."


A further write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reports suggest:




  • China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to build a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Last Feelings in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It needed gold. It essential a waterslide formed much like the Structure. I gave it all 3. You're welcome."

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